The Vampire's Coffee Shop Ch. 16

Chapter 16
The New Hire

So it turned out Boss’s Uncle Theo was still alive. One night, he explained, he decided on a whim to figure out what it was like to be a house, so he created a machine to pull his mind out of his brain and mix it into the house, making the house his new body.

"It was all simple, really," said the painting of the werecat with the gray mustache. At Boss and the others' request, Uncle Theo was using the painting to talk to them because, well, it was just too silly and embarrassing to talk straight to a house. Talking to the painting was easier because at least it kind of looked like they were still talking to a person.

“Simple, my foot!” snapped Boss. “Of all the crazy stunts anyone in our family’s pulled, this is one of the craziest! Second only to the stuff Mom does!”

After freeing Avalonia and Bob from the glue trap, and Percival and the Inspector cleaned up, everyone gathered in the master office room where they had a good, LONG talk with Uncle Theo. The Inspector was sunk, slouching in an armchair while rubbing her temples. 

She could be heard moaning to herself, "Just how am I going to report this?"

Peggy couldn’t help but feel sorry for her, knowing that the Inspector’s job had just gotten nightmarishly harder.

With the revelation that the owner of the house had become the house, work on inspecting and later distributing inheritance had canceled temporarily. Peggy was still going to be paid, but her services were no longer required. This was also a problem that Uncle Theo was going to have to sort out himself so Boss was free to go home too.

During the unicorn-drawn carriage ride home, Peggy said, "That was some adventure we just had, huh?"

She sat opposite of the Boss on the rose-colored seat, cutting through the sound of clopping hooves and rumbling wheels with her voice.

"It was certainly the most excitement I've had in years," said the vampire. He was leaning away from the sunlight spilling in from the side. Although a day walker, Boss still had a hard time with intense afternoon sunlight.

"By the way, what happened to you and the others while me and Roy were in that dungeon?" Peggy asked. "And how did you find us? It didn't feel like you just happened to run into us."

"To answer your first question, quite a lot," Boss replied. "We kept running into traps almost non-stop. It was all a real pain in the neck trying to reach you, but thanks to that, I realized that the house had a mind of its own."

"How so?" asked Peggy.

"There weren't any triggers," said Boss.

Peggy blinked. "Triggers?"

"You know," said Boss, "the thing to spring the trap, like dummy floor panels or trip wires. There were none of those things, despite the sounds like there were. Not even the magical kind, which would leave traces. But traps like that pitfall you fell into don't just spring on their own. So that meant someone must have been controlling them from somewhere. I didn't sense any scrying magic or divination spells which is what most people use to spy from far away, which meant that whoever controlled the traps must've been in the same room as us. But I didn't see anyone do anything suspicious either, not the knights, the Inspector, or her assistant. You couldn't have done it, being a magic newbie. That just left the house itself as the culprit."

"Wow, you sound like a master detective," Peggy said. "I bet you could give even Sherlock Holmes a run for his money."

"I have no idea who that is," Boss replied. "But speaking of detectives, you were a pretty good sleuth yourself, figuring out that Uncle Theo was behind all that mischief. How did you even know he was still alive as the house itself?"

“Well, the house just kept acting like it could hear us," Peggy said. "It stopped laughing when Roy said it wasn’t funny. And then it gave my hand first aid when we noticed the cuts on it. I already met a talking building before, so I figured it was almost the same thing. I only guessed that Uncle Theo had turned himself into the house because it sounded like something a relative of yours would do."

Boss frowned. "You say that like my family's full of crazy people."

"Your mom showed up in the middle of the night, transformed as a T-rex," Peggy pointed out. "And I heard plenty of stories about you from Roy.”

“Stories about me from that Inspector’s assistant?” went Boss. “Like what?”

Peggy replied, “Like how you used to break into people's houses and made trouble for knights. Do I need to say any more?"

"Give me a break," Boss said. "I was just a kid who got a little carried away after reading a good story."

"A little?" Peggy said. "Kidnapping a Count's daughter doesn't sound like being a little carried away to me."

Boss froze for a minute, looking pretty flabbergasted. But he quickly recovered and asked Peggy, "Roy even told you about that?"

"Yeah," said Peggy. "Why? What's wrong?"

Boss shot a piercing gaze into Peggy's eyes, as if wondering if she was feigning innocence. Peggy's heart clenched and she started to wonder if she might have done something wrong or made Boss angry. But then the Boss turned his eyes away and responded, "It's nothing. Never mind. But for the record, I DID NOT kidnap the Count’s daughter. I would never do anything so crass. We just ran into each other in town during one of my nights of mischief and that led to a HUGE misunderstanding that should have been sorted out already.”

**********

The Head Magus put down her cup of coffee and said, "Wow, so all that happened over the weekend. There's never a dull moment in your life, is there? Even after seventeen years since the Shadow Civil War."

Night had fallen over the town of Featherkeep and it was time for the coffee shop to close. However, an exception was allowed for the Head Magus to take her time with her coffee and light meal while the Owner regaled her with a tale of his recent adventure. The Head Magus, in her human form this time, sat listening with her chin resting over the back of her hands while her elbows were on the table.

The Owner frowned and said, "Did you really have to mention how many years it's been since the Shadow Civil War? You make us sound like a pair of old-timers. We're still in our mid-thirties you know."

"Ha! Speak for yourself!" scoffed the Head Magus. "The way you act, even I sometimes wonder if you're actually older than me. Heck, my dad still has more youthful energy than you. Looking at you now, it’s hard to believe you’re that same kid who used to prance around on rooftops laughing your head off like a fool."

The Owner scowled and mentally made plans to mix some expensive stuff into her orders so she'd be in for a big surprise when it came time to pay off her tab.

"But speaking of the Shadow Civil War," the Head Magus continued, "did Peggy really hear about the Count's daughter from that Inspector's assistant? That case is supposed be top secret. The Count should have made sure of that, being so obsessed with public image, so except you, me and the Count's family, only the knights who were there should know about it. I don't think even the Knight Commander at the Royal Palace knows about it. I can’t imagine how a lowly assistant from a whole other department could have heard of it.”

“He could have been working for someone who was involved,” the coffee shop Owner suggested. “I don’t know about the rest, but Percival and that Inspector were definitely spies sent to keep an eye on me. Honestly, it’s as if the Shadow Civil War never ended.”

“You only got yourself to blame for that,” said the Head Magus.

“I know,” the Owner said. “At least let me whine about it.”

Changing the subject, the Head Magus said, “By the way, you mentioned your uncle turned himself into a house, right? Was it a dark, gothic mansion straight out of a horror story, by any chance?”

“Yeah, but how’d you know?” asked the Owner.

“Because there’s a guy in a dapper suit looking inside,” replied the Head Magus, “and he’s got a gothic mansion for a head.”

The Owner turned around and sure enough, he could see the face of a familiar miniaturized house pressed against the window from outside. The house was attached to the neck of a man wearing a dapper suit.

When he noticed the Owner’s eyes on him, the house-headed man tapped on the window and waved his hands excitedly.

The Owner stared while having a debate in his head before finally bowing his head with a sigh. He exited the bar counter and slowly made his way to the front door. After a little hesitation, he unbolted the door and let the house-headed man inside.

“Salutations, Nephew!” the house shouted. “I hope I didn’t come at a bad time. I bring you the gift of chocolates for Friendship Day!”

He practically shoved the red heart-shaped box of sweets into the vampire’s hands.

“Hey, Uncle Theo,” said the coffee shop Owner. “Thanks for the chocolates, but you know I’m old enough to know it’s actually Cupid’s Day.”

“But that only applies to anyone who’s married or dating,” said Uncle Theo. “Aren’t you still single? Unless . . .”

He nodded towards the Head Magus.

In response, both the Head Magus and the Owner replied, “Absolutely not!”

They spoke with enough force to blow the house-headed man back.

“Anyway, Uncle Theo, what do you need?” asked the Owner. “I’m sure you didn’t just come here to pass along some Cupid’s Day cheer, putting aside that Cupid’s Day ended days ago.”

“To get straight to the point,” said Uncle Theo, “I’m homeless. Let me crash at your place.”

Looking flabbergasted, the Owner stared at him and said, “How can you be homeless when you’re the actual home?”

“I know, it’s a paradox,” said Uncle Theo. “But putting that aside, I’ve been kicked off the land and need a place to stay.”

“I’m not surprised you got evicted with that stunt you pulled, but can’t you just buy some new land, or stay at a hotel until you find a place?” the Owner asked. “Last I checked, you had a fortune that’s a hundred times bigger than my savings.”

“Not anymore,” said Uncle Theo. “The kingdom took all my money to pay for the new house that’s going to be built for the new lord of the land. I’m flat broke! So please let me stay here. And while we’re at it, I need money! But I’m not so shameless to ask my nephew for a handout, so let me work here too!”

The Owner looked at his uncle and sighed. It’s tough being the family’s caretaker, he thought to himself. But someone’s got to do it.

“Fine,” he said. “I’ll let you stay and work here, at least until you get back on your feet.”

Pleased, Uncle Theo exclaimed, “Excellent! I promise you will not be disappointed!”

And so, that was how the vampire’s coffee shop got a new employee, an old dude who was a house the neck up.

<== Chapter 15                                                                             Chapter 17 ==>

The Vampire's Coffee Shop Ch. 15

Chapter 15

The House's Truth

Pitter-patter, pitter-patter, pitter-patter, went their feet while huff-puff, huff-puff, huff-puff went their breaths. The coffee shop waitress, Peggy and the Inspector’s assistant, Roy ran with all their might while at their heels rolled a giant, perfectly round boulder, rumbling loudly as it mercilessly chased them.

“Just where in the world did that thing come from!?” screamed Roy.

“I don’t know!” screamed Peggy. “But less talking, more running!”

They tried taking turns left and right, hoping the thing would roll past them. But those hopes were dashed and whatever turn the pair made, the boulder made with them.

“It’s still chasing us! It’s still chasing us!” screamed Roy.

“I can see that!” Peggy snapped.

Ah, no good, she thought. Her lungs burned, her sides were painfully splitting, and her heart felt like it was going to implode at any moment. The back of her shirt was drenched in sweat and stuck to her skin, but that was the least of her concerns.

“Can’t you do something about it?” Roy asked.

“Me?” yelled Peggy. “I’m just a waitress! What do you expect me to do about huge, blasted boulder?”

“Aren’t you the Trickster’s apprentice?” shouted Roy. “Didn’t he teach you anything?”

“I’m not anyone’s apprentice!” Peggy shouted back. Technically, George was helping her study, but there’s no way she was going to admit to someone she just met that she was being tutored by an elementary schooler half her age. “All Boss did was give me an old notebook with tips on beginner level magic!”

“So you’re just a normal civilian?” Roy cried out.

He looked way more surprised than he should be, Peggy thought.

“What else would a waitress earning minimum wage be?” Peggy snapped. “Ack!”

Upkeep of the dungeon was poor, so plenty of the stone blocks that made up the floor had come loose and popped up. The tip of Peggy’s shoe happened to hit against one such block and it made her trip and fall.

Roy stopped and turned around. When he saw Peggy lying on the ground, he swore.

Peggy scrambled to get back up, but when she happened to look back, her vision was overtaken by the view of dark rock.

As the boulder approached, Roy suddenly leaped into Peggy’s view. His right hand was covered in thick metal plating and his fingers were balled into a fist. Warm light shined from the metal glove and blanketed the hall, as if his hand had become the sun itself.

With a mighty roar, Roy threw his fist and punched the boulder. He mustered all his magic power and strength into that punch. Even if that wasn’t enough to destroy the boulder, surely it could at least stop the accursed thing in its tracks. That was Roy’s thought.

His fist hit the boulder and then –

POP! SPLASH!

The boulder exploded into water that splashed onto Roy and Peggy.

**********

Meanwhile, back on the ground floor of the house, Boss the coffee shop owner, the Inspector, and the knights were dealing with problems of their own.

After failing to find the trigger that opened the pitfall trap that Peggy and Roy dropped in, Boss hurried deeper into the house and up a flight of stairs that led to the second floor. The Inspector and the knights followed close behind, asking the Boss where he was going and what he was planning to do.

“I remember Uncle Theo mentioned he had a dungeon last time I was here,” the vampire explained. “Since the basement is not nearly as deep as that hole, I’m guessing that’s where Peggy and Roy must have fallen to. We can get to the dungeon through the secret passageway in the master bedroom.”

As he spoke, a slight creek noise reached his triangle ears and he immediately threw himself onto the railing and tightly latched on.

“Grab on, quick!” he shouted to the others.

But it was too late. In a snap, the stairway became a slide and everyone else went tumbling back down. Avalonia and Bob, who remained at the back of the group, were the first to reach the floor.

Splat!

The carpet below had become a giant glue trap and the two knights became stuck. Percival and the Inspector were luckier. They managed to avoid getting stuck in the trap by landing right on top of Avalonia and Bob.

“Oof! Sorry about that, Bob,” said Percival.

“That’s okay, sir,” Bob responded. “Thanks to my armor, I didn’t feel a thing. But it looks like I can’t move.”

“Me either,” said Avalonia.

All around them came the sound of children laughing.

“Blast this house,” Percival swore angrily. “It’s as if it is making a mockery of us! No, it really is! To think it could take down two knights just like that. I’ve really underestimated the dangers here. But do not worry, Avalonia, Bob! You will be avenged!”

“Uh . . . We’re not dead,” Avalonia pointed out. But Percival ignored her.

“Come, Inspector,” he said while helping her to her feet. “Let us be off! After the Trickster! We will have him in shackles!”

Boss, who had shimmied up the railing to the second floor, looked down and scowled. He could hear everything being said downstairs.

“Why?” he shouted down in dismay. “I didn’t even do anything!”

“Sorry! Force of habit!” Percival said.

After Boss pulled Percival and the Inspector up using a rope he pulled out of his sleeve, the three of them continued down the hall to the master bedroom. But along the way, a big cylinder-shaped stone dropped from the ceiling. Boss jumped aside, pulling the Inspector with him, to against the wall, but Percival stood his ground. In the blink of an eye, he drew out his sword and with a mighty roar, cut down the stone. The stone split open and hundreds of tiny white feathers flew out, many of them stuck to Percival’s armor, making the knight look like a giant chicken. It turned out, the “stone” was actually a giant pillow.

That was not all. When they passed by a mirror, a pale lady’s face appeared, twisted into a weird shape and let out a horribly loud shriek. It startled the Inspector to “Eek!” And she jumped back to where about a bucket’s worth of water fell onto her head, drenching her from top to bottom.

All throughout their troubles, children’s laughter echoed from all over.

Despite these setbacks, the Boss, the Inspector, and the knight reached the master bedroom in almost no time at all. But wise to the house’s tricks now, they approached the door cautiously with Boss in the front. He was forced into the front by the other two who thought it was unfair that he hadn’t been hit by a trap yet.

Slowly, Boss reached for the long door handle. After gingerly wrapping his fingers around it, crouched down and twisted his hand clockwise. He opened the door a crack and then – BOOM!

White flour exploded out of the room. Boss dove away just in time, but Percival and the Inspector weren’t so lucky. It was impossible to see what face Percival made beneath his helmet, but Inspector’s right eye twitched a lot. And Boss could feel the both of them just glowering at him.

He ignored their angry stares and started running his fingers down the left-side frame of the doorway. The former Trickster did the same to the right side, and then looked up at the ceiling, before crouching down on the floor.

“What are you doing?” Inspector asked him.

“I’m looking for the trigger that sprung the trap,” Boss said. But he found nothing, and muttered, “I knew it.”

“Knew what?” asked Percival. “Did you figure something out, Trickster?”

Boss straightened up and replied, “Yeah. I figured out the truth about this house. And that is . . .”

**********

Splish-splash, splish-splash, splish-splash went Roy’s feet as he trudged alongside Peggy. He was sopping wet after punching a boulder that turned out to be a water balloon in disguise. Peggy was shielded from the water by an invisible wall that was created by the magical cape she had borrowed from Boss.

All around them, creepy invisible children giggled. They stopped when Roy hammered his fist against the wall and snapped, “It’s not funny!”

Anyone could see he was understandably grumpy. And then he fell into a sneezing fit.

Feeling a little sorry for Roy, Peggy offered her handkerchief to him.

"Here," she said. "It's not much, but you should dry yourself up before you catch a cold."

"Thanks," Roy replied.

He gratefully took the handkerchief from Peggy's hand, but just before he was about to wipe the water out of his hair, he noticed something and froze.

"Peggy, you're bleeding!" he exclaimed.

"Huh?" Peggy looked at her hand and saw her palm had torn skin. "Oh, I must have scraped it when I tripped earlier."

"Forget about me, I think you need this handkerchief more than me," said Roy. “Although it’d to get that scrape cleaned up or it’ll get infected.”

"It's fine, it's fine," Peggy said. She was old enough not to let a few scrapes bother her. "Besides, I think you have it way worse. This place is really chilly. You'll definitely get sick if you don't dry up."

“But!” Roy was going to protest some more when, suddenly, he felt something soft and warm fall onto his head and block his face. He pulled the thing off his head and looked at it. “What’s this?” he said. “A towel?”

In his hand was big, baby blue bath towel.

“Well, that’s random,” he said. “Where’d it – gah!”

 Roy looked up to see where the towel had fallen from, when lots more suddenly fell on his head. Lots and lots, and lots more. Enough towels fell on top of him to bury him in a small mountain of warm, soft fabric that reached all the way up to the ceiling.

“Roy! Are you okay?” asked Peggy.

She went over to pull the Inspector’s assistant out from the towel pile, but stopped when she felt a tug on her sleeve. The young waitress turned around to see what had snagged onto her shirt and yelped out in fright when she saw a pair of disembodied hands floating in front of her.

Peggy leaped back, but then paused when she saw what one of the hands was holding. It was a white box with a big, red plus sign on it.

“Is that a first aid kit?” 

As if to answer her, one floating hand gave a thumb up before taking one of her own scraped up ones. Peggy watched as one floating hand dabbed a cotton ball soaked in medicine on top of her scrape, wiping away the blood while disinfecting the cuts at the same time.

“Ow!” 

It stung, of course, making Peggy wince. But she quickly got used to it and began to think.

After thinking back to everything that happened so far, she came to the conclusion that the house must have a mind of its own. That was the only explanation she could think of. It wasn’t so strange. After all, didn’t the town’s admin tower also have a mind of its own? The tower even straight up talked to her.

And remember what Boss said about his uncle? Before he was a Baron, Theo Bellbrook was a horror fanatic and a crackpot inventor with lots of free time and money to make whatever he wanted. And a doctor who was also kind.

While looking at her hand which was now expertly bandaged up, Peggy muttered, “Could it be?”

When she looked up, the hands had disappeared.

“Peggy!”

Suddenly, a familiar voice called out to her. Peggy looked up and was relieved to see Boss rushing over to her, followed by Percival and the Inspector. For some reason, the two of them were covered in flour.

“Are you okay?” Boss asked. And then he saw the bandage on her hands. “What happened to your hands?”

“I’m fine,” Peggy said. “I only tripped and got a few scrapes. Some ghost hands came and gave me first aid.”

“Where’s Roy?” asked the Inspector. She looked around, but didn’t see him until he called out.

“Over here!” he said. He was halfway out of the bottom of the towel mountain and waved his hand left and right over his head. “Someone mind giving me a hand here?”

“I got you,” Boss volunteered.

He walked over to the towel mountain, lent Roy a helping hand and pulled the young Inspector’s assistant free. No longer was Roy drenched in water. The towels had drained all the water off his person, leaving him warm, dry, and also freshly clean.

“Thanks,” Roy said.

“You’re welcome,” Boss said back. And then he said, “Is there something on my face?”

Roy was staring at Boss, and Boss took notice.

“Huh? Oh! Sorry! I-it’s nothing,” Roy stammered. And then he looked up and his eyes became as wide as china plates. “Behind you! Look!”

Everyone turned around to look at what he was pointing at and saw a legion of deformed baby dolls marching towards them. Some were covered in mold. Some had eyes missing. A few was missing an arm or a leg. And a couple had too many arms and legs. They were followed by a squadron of skeletons bearing rusted spears and swords. And right at the skeletons’ heels were transparent, glowing blue ghost children. Balls of blue fire flew over the army of horrors as glowing white hands sprouted from the walls.

Roy quickly pushed his way between the gang and the army. There was a flash of light and metal covered his hands.

“Peggy, Inspector, stay behind me!” he said. “Sir Percival, on your command. Huh? Hey, Peggy! What are you doing?”

Peggy gave Boss a quick glance, got a knowing glance back from him, and then boldly walked past Roy, getting between him and the army of horrors. Ignoring Roy’s calls to get back behind him, she lifted her eyes to the ceiling and said, “Haven’t you had enough, Uncle Theo?”

The horror army stopped just a few inches away from her. There was a short moment of silence, and then laughter broke out. It wasn’t the laughter of children, but the laughter of a single old man.

“Clever girl,” the old man’s voice echoed throughout the dungeon halls. “I was wondering if any of you would catch on.”

“For the record,” Boss spoke up, “I figured it out before we got inside the dungeon.”

“Huh?” Roy looked right and left, flabbergasted and confused. “What? What’s she talking about? Uncle Theo? As in Theodore Bellbrooks, the Baron? But isn’t he dead? Can someone please tell me what’s going on?”

<== Chapter 14                                                                              Chapter 16 ==>

The Vampire's Coffee Shop Ch. 14

Chapter 14

The Dungeon

Inside the house had absolutely no light except for what little spilled in from the front doorway. From what little Peggy could see, the carpet was red, there were a few cabinets made of dark wood that was carved in a fancy way. The walls were lined with paintings of various people, probably the last owners of the house from different times, who all wore sour frowns, as if they were angry at Peggy and the gang for intruding in their space. Some of those paintings had white cobwebs strewn over them.

Basically, the inside of the house was as dark and gloomy as outside, matching the setting for any classic ghost story. Just all that alone was enough to give Peggy the shivers beneath her borrowed cape. But that was not all the house had going for it, unfortunately.

Percival let out a low whistle.

“You weren’t kidding when you said Bellbrook was a horror fanatic,” he said. “Just look at all these creepy statues lined up between the paintings. There’s snarling gargoyles, faceless phantoms, skeletons . . . And I think one of them’s a monster from that really famous scary story. I can see why you didn’t like this place, Trickster.”

Peggy took one look at the nearest statue and quickly turned her gaze to her feet. Those statues were so hideous that if they were ever used in a movie, that movie would be rated R. Just one glance at them was going to give Peggy nightmares.

“You haven’t seen anything yet,” Boss grumbled forebodingly.

Before anyone could ask what he meant by that –

SLAM!

The doors swung shut, hard, behind them, making a loud noise that made Peggy jump out of her skin with a high, “Eek!”

Everyone was plunged into sudden, pitch-black darkness.

“I can’t see!” cried out an unfamiliar voice. It was that of a clear, young man’s, so Peggy guessed it belonged to the Inspector’s assistant.

“Everyone, don’t move!” Boss’ voice pierced through the darkness. “Stay where you are! This place is rigged with booby-traps! Don’t do or touch anything!”

There was a bang and the young man cried, “Ow!”

“Roy!” shouted the Inspector. “Didn’t you hear the Trickster? Stop moving!”

“Avalonia! Bob! Lights!” barked Percival.

“Yes, sir!” the two knights shouted.

That was a good idea, thought Peggy.

Wanting to be extra helpful, she decided to bring out her own light. She held up her right hand, palm up, and whispered magic words under her breath. It took her a week to master the spell, and it still embarrassed her to remember it involved being tutored by a ten-year-old kid.

Just as she had wished it, a small ball of light appeared floating over the palm of her hand. It was a bright, vivid pink glow that looked almost like a glass ornament. The ball of light would have been really pretty to look at, if not for the ugly bat creature with bloody fangs hovering over it.

“AAAAAAAAH!”

The monster was, of course, fake. But it was realistic enough that it gave Peggy a severe fright. She screamed her head off, jumped back, and bumped into the Inspector’s assistant.

“Whoa!” the young man cried out.

He stumbled and took three steps back. On the last step, there was a loud click noise.

“That . . . doesn’t sound good,” said Peggy.

It definitely wasn’t a sign of anything good. The floor beneath her feet suddenly disappeared in a loud snap and she, and the young man, both plunged into the darkness below.

“Peggy! No!” Boss reached out to catch her, but it was already too late. The trapdoor closed over Peggy and the young man, taking away any chance for the vampire to save them.

“Blast!” Boss swore.

He dropped on all fours and started crawling all over the floor.

Puzzled, the Inspector asked, “What are you doing, Trickster?”

“What’s it look like to you? I’m trying to find the switch to the trap door, of course!” replied the coffee shop owner. “What about you? What are you all doing just standing there? Shouldn’t you be helping me? Peggy aside, one of your own’s down there too, you know.”

“Although just an assistant, Roy is still an Inspector,” the Inspector said. “He is trained to handle danger.”

“Besides,” said Percival, “no matter what you say about him, Baron Bellbrooks was a doctor. Whatever he did to the house can’t be that bad.”

**********

“This is bad,” Peggy said as she stared ahead at the pale human arms popping out of the walls, balls of white-blue fire drifting back and forth, and the lone little girl in red overalls standing in the middle of the hallway with a big smile on her face. The girl was see-through and had no eyes.

After falling through a trap door, Peggy and the Inspector’s assistant landed on a slippery slide that took them further down, down, down into the darkness. It curved up, and then down. Peggy and the Inspector’s assistant went through three loop-de-loops before finally dropping down through a hole at the end. The hole opened up into a large hallway and (thankfully) over a big, old mattress. When the pair dropped onto the mattress, a huge cloud of dust puffed out and sent the two into a coughing and sneezing fit.

It took a while for the dust to clear from their eyes, noses and throats. But when things finally settled down, Peggy sat up and looked to see what could be the Land of the Dead stretching out ahead of her.

“This better not really be the Land of the Dead,” Peggy muttered.

In her mind, she knew that it was all fake, but that fact didn’t make it any less terrifying. Boss’ Uncle Theo should’ve become a crafter instead of a doctor. He certainly had the talent for the job despite being a crackpot amateur.

With a groan, the Inspector’s assistant climbed off the mattress.

“Are you okay?” he asked Peggy. “Can you stand?”

“Uh, yeah,” said Peggy. When the young man reached out his hand, she took it and got up. “Sorry, but what’s your name again?”

“It’s Roy,” said the young man. “And your name’s Peggy, right?”

“Yeah,” said Peggy. “Where are we?”

“Well, if I had to guess, I’d say we’re in some kind of underground dungeon,” Roy said. “A really deep, underground dungeon, going off how long our slide ride was.”

 He looked up at the ceiling and swore. The opening that he and Peggy dropped through was no longer there.

“Well, looks like we’re going to have to find another way out,” he said.

“Hold up,” said Peggy. “You want us to look for another way out through all of that?”

She gestured down the hall.

Roy looked and then asked, “Through all of what? There’s nothing there.”

“Huh?”

Peggy turned to look, but all those hands, the ghost balls, and the creepy, eye-less, transparent girl were all gone. Before her was just a big, empty hallway. The only light came from the small pink ball floating by Peggy’s head, which had fallen through the trap door with her.

She rubbed her eyes a bit and looked again, but the hall was still empty. “Where’d all the horror stuff go?”

Roy looked at her funny and said, “Are you really okay, Miss Peggy?”

“Yes,” Peggy replied. “I’m not crazy.”

“I never said you were,” Roy said.

But he was clearly thinking it, Peggy thought.

Seeing she would only be digging herself into a deeper hole if she said anything more, she decided to just drop the subject and move on.

“A-anyway,” she stammered, “you’re saying we should try to get out, right? But is that really a good idea? Wouldn’t it be better to just stay put and wait for the others to come find us, instead?”

“But who knows how long that’ll take?” Roy said. “I think it’ll be better if we try to get out of here ourselves as soon as we can. But if you want, you can stay here and rest while I go find help.”

And leave me here alone? No thanks!

Of course, Peggy couldn’t just say that, not to someone who was clearly younger than her. But nor was it appealing to her to stay here in the dark, creepy hallway with who-knows-what lurking in the shadows.

“You know what? Never mind,” she said. “I’ll go with you. I’m older than you, so I can’t just sit around twiddling my thumbs while you do everything on your own.”

“Okay?” Roy looked puzzled, but didn’t say anything more.

And so, Peggy and Roy started exploring the underground dungeon.

They were quick to discover that it was like a maze with many twists and turns. Sometimes, they’d run into a dead end, in which case they turned around and then went another way. They walked for a long time, but didn’t run into anything or anyone. This was a good thing, because Peggy wasn’t sure what she could do if those ghost things showed up. But that also came with its own problem.

Ugh, so awkward! Peggy thought. They’ve been walking for a while now in total silence, total AWKWARD silence, and Peggy couldn’t stand it anymore. I have to say something. But what?

Truth be told, Peggy was never much of a talker. Even when she was a kid, she was considered the quietest of the bunch. Of course, that pleased the adults to no end. But it can be a bit inconvenient when you don't really have anything to say.

Oh, I got something! Peggy thought.

"Say, Roy?" she spoke up. "I never really got to ask, but what does an Inspector really do?"

"Huh? You don't know?" Roy said. "I suppose we sort of rushed into here, but I figured you'd have been told about the job before signing up."

"Yeah, sorry," Peggy said. "Things were a bit hectic on my end too, so I never got the chance to learn the details."

"Well, an Inspector's job is basically just to inspect things," Roy said. "We look at stuff and if we think it's dangerous, we take it away."

"So you go to every dead person's house to make sure their stuff is safe before giving it back to the family?" Peggy asked.

"Not every house," Roy said. "Just anyone's you'd think would have something dangerous, like say a crackpot inventor. The Inspector and the knights sing praises to Baron Bellbrooks, but of course they know how he liked to make crazy things. They just don't say anything because, well, Baron Bellbrooks was still a Baron. It'd make the royalty and knights look bad if the people who work for them start badmouthing a noble, even if it's just the Trickster with them."

"Yeah, about that," said Peggy, "why do you guys keep calling the Boss, Trickster?"

Roy blinked and looked at Peggy, astonished. "You don't know? That vampire used to be one of the biggest troublemakers the kingdom had ever seen!"

"What? Boss, a troublemaker?" Peggy looked at Roy doubtfully.

"It's true!" the young man insisted. "Just ask anyone and they'll tell you how he used to break into nobles' houses twice a month and take their most precious treasures only to return them the next morning, acting out the romantic thief."

"Uh-huh, sure he did," Peggy said. 

Roy scowled. He could tell right off the bat that Peggy didn't believe a word he said.

"He really did do those things!" he said. "Always, always making a big show of things. He's had the knights running around in circles and turned them into a laughingstock! That troublemaker even kidnapped a Count's daughter one time right under their noses, which gave the Knight Order the biggest headache of their lives!"

“Right, and then he took that Count’s daughter on a magical date around town,” Peggy said. She was being sarcastic, and still wasn’t convinced Roy was telling the truth.

But then again, she paused to think, Boss was pretty good at sneaking into places. She remembered how he expertly broke into all those houses on Christmas night to deliver presents for Santa Claus. He was in and out like a ghost.

“By the way,” Peggy said, “do you hear that?”

For a little while now, she’s been hearing a low rumbling coming from behind. 

Roy paused to listen.

“Yeah,” he said. “What is that?”

“I don’t know,” said Peggy, “but it sounds like something really, really, REALLY heavy rolling through the halls.” 

Huh? Wait a minute . . . A dungeon . . . Something really heavy rolling through the halls . . . Why does that sound so familiar? Peggy crossed her arms and wondered. 

She froze and went, “Ah.”

As the rumbling got louder and louder, her face turned paler and paler.

“Roy?”

Roy stopped and looked back. “Yes, Peggy?”

“Run.”

“Why?” Roy asked.

“Because of THAT!”

Peggy pointed down the hall where coming to crush them was a giant, round boulder.

<== Chapter 13                                                                    Chapter 15 ==>

The Vampire's Coffee Shop Ch. 13

Chapter 13
The Side Job

Peggy sat in the living room, arms crossed while sternly scowling at the newspaper pages spread out on the coffee table. She was in deep thought. Deep, deep thought. She was so deep in thought, she never noticed Mrs. Arkans had been sitting across from her for a good hour until the old snake lady spoke up.

"Something bothering you, dear?"

Peggy jumped in surprise and yelped, "Yikes!"

"Sorry for startling you, Peggy," Mrs. Arkans apologized.

"No, it's okay!" said Peggy. "I should be the one saying sorry for not noticing you. How long have you been here?"

"Not long," Mrs. Arkans replied. But Peggy could tell it was a fib by looking at the yarn work on the lamia's scaly lap. “I see you’re looking at job listings. Is everything okay at the shop? I remember hearing that something happened there a little while back.”

“Oh, no, everything’s fine,” Peggy said. “Well, kind of.”

Mrs. Arkans responded, “What do you mean, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Well . . .”

Peggy’s story to Mrs. Arkans took place a few days ago.

One afternoon, a giant otter in a butler outfit popped into the store asking to speak with the Boss. Apparently, a relative of the Boss’s had passed away and the Boss was being called to take care of that relative’s things. And because this relative’s house was a little far away from town, Boss was going to have to close the shop for about a week. This meant that for a whole week or so, Peggy was going to be out of work unless she could get another job.

“And that leads to right now,” Peggy said. “As you can probably tell, I’m having a bit of trouble.” Whether it was on Emeron or Earth, finding a new job was not easy. 

“Hmm,” Mrs. Arkans rubbed her chin thoughtfully. The tip of her tail flipped left and right. “Say, Peggy, what’s your magic level right now?”

“If you mean how many stars I got, I’m on two,” Peggy replied. “I passed the test a few weeks back.”

“In that case, I’ve got just the thing,” Mrs. Arkans said. 

As luck would have it, a friend of Mrs. Arkans was short on help for a job and could use some extra hands. Coincidentally, that job landed on the same week the shop would be closed.

“It’s nothing too hard,” the old lamia told Peggy. “It’s just a little bit of assistant stuff like taking notes. But you will need to travel a little out of town. Is that okay with you?”

“Sure, it is,” Peggy said. “But if it’s just assistant stuff, why ask about my magic level?”

“It’s just in case,” Mrs. Arkans said. “Most of the time, you don’t need to use magic for jobs like that, but you never know. Will you still take the job?”

“Sure thing!” Peggy replied with no hesitation.

And that was how Peggy’s first ever trip out of town started. Her white unicorn-drawn carriage ride took her south across a vast sea of green grass to the edge of an even vaster forest, where a square-shaped plot of dirt laid, closed off by a black iron fence that stood ten feet high. According to Mrs. Arkans, Peggy’s job involved exploring a huge house, but as far as Peggy could see, there was no house in sight.

Waiting at the gate was a goblin lady with green skin, darker green hair and bat-wing shaped ears. She wore a blue jacket that was pinned with a half-oval-shaped badge.

That must be that Inspector friend Mrs. Arkans was talking about, Peggy thought as she climbed out of the carriage.

Standing next to the Inspector was a young man around Peggy’s age, a human with hay-colored hair. There were also three knights wearing shining, silvery suits of armor with helmets that completely covered their faces. One of the knights wore an impressive red cape with gold edges. Talking to the caped knight, too Peggy’s surprise, was –

“Boss!?” she cried out. 

Startled, the vampire turned and exclaimed, “Peggy? What are you doing here?”

“I’m a temp helper for the Inspector,” Peggy answered. “What are you doing here?”

“I told you that I had to take care of a relative’s things,” Boss said. “This is his house.”

Peggy tilted sideways and looked past Boss to the plot of dirt beyond the gate.

“What house?” she asked. “All I see is dirt.”

“Well, yeah,” said Boss. “That’s because –“

He was cut off by the Inspector who loudly coughed, “Ahem!”

All eyes turned to the lady goblin.

She gently pushed her horn-rimmed glasses up her nose and said, “I believe some introductions are in order. I am the Inspector, here by royal decree to inspect the belongings of Baron Bellbrooks before they are handed off to his family. You must be Peggy, the helper recommended by Mrs. Arkans.”

Boss scowled at the Inspector and said, “What is the meaning of this, Inspector? Peggy here is still a two-star magic user. I thought I made it clear to you that this place is not safe for anyone below three stars.”

"I understand your concerns," said the Inspector, "but we will all be quite safe with the knights with us."

"Uh, quick question," Peggy cut in. "Why is your relative's house not safe, Boss? Also, you're related to a Baron!?"

"I have relatives in all walks of life, all over the world," Boss said. "And got all sorts of species in the family too, not just vampires. It comes with being a family of wanderers, nomads, and explorers. Uncle Theo's a werecat who got the Baron title thanks to his work as a doctor."

“Well, that’s a nice and interesting tidbit about your family,” said Peggy, “but that still doesn’t answer my other question. Why’s your uncle’s house not safe?”

Boss hesitated. “That’s because he’s . . .” He murmured really low.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you,” Peggy said. “What did you say?”

With a huff, Boss replied more loudly, “It’s because he’s a crackpot inventor and a horror fanatic.”

Peggy blinked. “Huh?”

“Like I said, Uncle Theo’s a crackpot inventor,” Boss said again. “He was a nice guy with a heart of gold, but he’s always mixing up all sorts of magic items and machines to make random, weird stuff. DANGEROUS random, weird stuff.”

“Oh come on, Trickster,” the caped knight cut in. “It can’t be that bad.”

“He was a baron who retired early,” Boss said. “He had both the time AND money to buy whatever he wanted to make whatever he wanted! You tell me if that’s bad or not. To make things worse, he was a HUGE fan of horror stories so whatever he made ended up being terribly terrifying. I wouldn’t be surprised if his house led straight into the pits of the Underworld.”

“Be that as it may,” said the Inspector, “whatever lies in Baron Bellrooks’ home, I’m sure our knights are more than able to handle it. Isn’t that right, Captain?”

The caped knight thumped his fist against his chest.

“That’s right,” he said. “I, Percival Gawain Caliburn, swear that I and my fellow knights, Avalonia Nimue von Artoria and Bob, will keep you all safe.”

Peggy went, “Uh . . . Wait, so you two got long, fancy names like Percival and Avalonia, but he’s just Bob?”

“Yes,” replied Percival. “Why?”

“No reason,” Peggy said.

“ANYWAY,” Inspector cut in, “I think we’ve wasted enough time out here. I’m on a tight schedule, so it’d be great if we could get this done as soon as possible.”

“Come on, Boss,” Peggy said. “I’ll be fine. I’ve taken the job so I can’t really back out now, anyway.”

With groan, Boss conceded. “Fine,” he said. “But you make sure to stick close to the knights. Also, take my cape. It’s handcrafted with loads of protective charms and magic spells.”

He shrugged off his long, black cape and held it out. Despite thinking the vampire was being a huge worrywart, Peggy took the cape and draped it over her shoulders. 

As soon as Peggy clipped the cape together, Boss turned around and pulled a big, bronze key out of his pocket. Purposely slowly, he walked up to the gate while putting on a grimace that clearly showed how much he did not want to be here. He slipped the key into the keyhole and twisted his hand right.

Peggy wasn’t sure what to expect from all the drama Boss made over the simple move of unlocking a gate, but she was in for a pretty big surprise.

As soon as the lock made a snap noise, a low rumble came from deep in the earth that grew louder and louder with each passing second. The sky turned dark with a gathering of blackish-gray clouds as two rows of lifeless, charcoal-like trees rose up from the ground to create a pathway to a large, black house that looked derelict from years of neglect. At the very center of the house was a square tower with a pointed pyramid rooftop and a big, round window.

CREEEEEAAAAAAAK! Went the gates as they parted for the house’s visitors.

Peggy looked beyond the gates at the house and gulped.

“Having second thoughts?” Boss asked.

“N-no!” Peggy quickly stammered. A job was a job. There was no backing out now.

“One question, if you don’t mind,” Inspector said. “Was that creepy pipe organ music really necessary?”

“I’d tell you to take it up with the guy who designed the house, but he’s already dead,” Boss replied.

Percival led the way through the gate, followed by Boss and Inspector. Peggy and the Inspector’s assistant went in next. Avalonia and Bob were the last to go inside. They were going to close the gates behind them, but before they could even touch the iron bars, the gates moved on their own again and closed with a loud bang.

As everyone went inside the big, creepy house, no one noticed that high above their heads, the clouds changed shape to look like a face with a really evil grin.

<== Chapter 12                                                                                   Chapter 14 ==>