Chapter 16
The New Hire
So it turned out Boss’s Uncle Theo was still alive. One night, he explained, he decided on a whim to figure out what it was like to be a house, so he created a machine to pull his mind out of his brain and mix it into the house, making the house his new body.
"It was all simple, really," said the painting of the werecat with the gray mustache. At Boss and the others' request, Uncle Theo was using the painting to talk to them because, well, it was just too silly and embarrassing to talk straight to a house. Talking to the painting was easier because at least it kind of looked like they were still talking to a person.
“Simple, my foot!” snapped Boss. “Of all the crazy stunts anyone in our family’s pulled, this is one of the craziest! Second only to the stuff Mom does!”
After freeing Avalonia and Bob from the glue trap, and Percival and the Inspector cleaned up, everyone gathered in the master office room where they had a good, LONG talk with Uncle Theo. The Inspector was sunk, slouching in an armchair while rubbing her temples.
She could be heard moaning to herself, "Just how am I going to report this?"
Peggy couldn’t help but feel sorry for her, knowing that the Inspector’s job had just gotten nightmarishly harder.
With the revelation that the owner of the house had become the house, work on inspecting and later distributing inheritance had canceled temporarily. Peggy was still going to be paid, but her services were no longer required. This was also a problem that Uncle Theo was going to have to sort out himself so Boss was free to go home too.
During the unicorn-drawn carriage ride home, Peggy said, "That was some adventure we just had, huh?"
She sat opposite of the Boss on the rose-colored seat, cutting through the sound of clopping hooves and rumbling wheels with her voice.
"It was certainly the most excitement I've had in years," said the vampire. He was leaning away from the sunlight spilling in from the side. Although a day walker, Boss still had a hard time with intense afternoon sunlight.
"By the way, what happened to you and the others while me and Roy were in that dungeon?" Peggy asked. "And how did you find us? It didn't feel like you just happened to run into us."
"To answer your first question, quite a lot," Boss replied. "We kept running into traps almost non-stop. It was all a real pain in the neck trying to reach you, but thanks to that, I realized that the house had a mind of its own."
"How so?" asked Peggy.
"There weren't any triggers," said Boss.
Peggy blinked. "Triggers?"
"You know," said Boss, "the thing to spring the trap, like dummy floor panels or trip wires. There were none of those things, despite the sounds like there were. Not even the magical kind, which would leave traces. But traps like that pitfall you fell into don't just spring on their own. So that meant someone must have been controlling them from somewhere. I didn't sense any scrying magic or divination spells which is what most people use to spy from far away, which meant that whoever controlled the traps must've been in the same room as us. But I didn't see anyone do anything suspicious either, not the knights, the Inspector, or her assistant. You couldn't have done it, being a magic newbie. That just left the house itself as the culprit."
"Wow, you sound like a master detective," Peggy said. "I bet you could give even Sherlock Holmes a run for his money."
"I have no idea who that is," Boss replied. "But speaking of detectives, you were a pretty good sleuth yourself, figuring out that Uncle Theo was behind all that mischief. How did you even know he was still alive as the house itself?"
“Well, the house just kept acting like it could hear us," Peggy said. "It stopped laughing when Roy said it wasn’t funny. And then it gave my hand first aid when we noticed the cuts on it. I already met a talking building before, so I figured it was almost the same thing. I only guessed that Uncle Theo had turned himself into the house because it sounded like something a relative of yours would do."
Boss frowned. "You say that like my family's full of crazy people."
"Your mom showed up in the middle of the night, transformed as a T-rex," Peggy pointed out. "And I heard plenty of stories about you from Roy.”
“Stories about me from that Inspector’s assistant?” went Boss. “Like what?”
Peggy replied, “Like how you used to break into people's houses and made trouble for knights. Do I need to say any more?"
"Give me a break," Boss said. "I was just a kid who got a little carried away after reading a good story."
"A little?" Peggy said. "Kidnapping a Count's daughter doesn't sound like being a little carried away to me."
Boss froze for a minute, looking pretty flabbergasted. But he quickly recovered and asked Peggy, "Roy even told you about that?"
"Yeah," said Peggy. "Why? What's wrong?"
Boss shot a piercing gaze into Peggy's eyes, as if wondering if she was feigning innocence. Peggy's heart clenched and she started to wonder if she might have done something wrong or made Boss angry. But then the Boss turned his eyes away and responded, "It's nothing. Never mind. But for the record, I DID NOT kidnap the Count’s daughter. I would never do anything so crass. We just ran into each other in town during one of my nights of mischief and that led to a HUGE misunderstanding that should have been sorted out already.”
**********
The Head Magus put down her cup of coffee and said, "Wow, so all that happened over the weekend. There's never a dull moment in your life, is there? Even after seventeen years since the Shadow Civil War."
Night had fallen over the town of Featherkeep and it was time for the coffee shop to close. However, an exception was allowed for the Head Magus to take her time with her coffee and light meal while the Owner regaled her with a tale of his recent adventure. The Head Magus, in her human form this time, sat listening with her chin resting over the back of her hands while her elbows were on the table.
The Owner frowned and said, "Did you really have to mention how many years it's been since the Shadow Civil War? You make us sound like a pair of old-timers. We're still in our mid-thirties you know."
"Ha! Speak for yourself!" scoffed the Head Magus. "The way you act, even I sometimes wonder if you're actually older than me. Heck, my dad still has more youthful energy than you. Looking at you now, it’s hard to believe you’re that same kid who used to prance around on rooftops laughing your head off like a fool."
The Owner scowled and mentally made plans to mix some expensive stuff into her orders so she'd be in for a big surprise when it came time to pay off her tab.
"But speaking of the Shadow Civil War," the Head Magus continued, "did Peggy really hear about the Count's daughter from that Inspector's assistant? That case is supposed be top secret. The Count should have made sure of that, being so obsessed with public image, so except you, me and the Count's family, only the knights who were there should know about it. I don't think even the Knight Commander at the Royal Palace knows about it. I can’t imagine how a lowly assistant from a whole other department could have heard of it.”
“He could have been working for someone who was involved,” the coffee shop Owner suggested. “I don’t know about the rest, but Percival and that Inspector were definitely spies sent to keep an eye on me. Honestly, it’s as if the Shadow Civil War never ended.”
“You only got yourself to blame for that,” said the Head Magus.
“I know,” the Owner said. “At least let me whine about it.”
Changing the subject, the Head Magus said, “By the way, you mentioned your uncle turned himself into a house, right? Was it a dark, gothic mansion straight out of a horror story, by any chance?”
“Yeah, but how’d you know?” asked the Owner.
“Because there’s a guy in a dapper suit looking inside,” replied the Head Magus, “and he’s got a gothic mansion for a head.”
The Owner turned around and sure enough, he could see the face of a familiar miniaturized house pressed against the window from outside. The house was attached to the neck of a man wearing a dapper suit.
When he noticed the Owner’s eyes on him, the house-headed man tapped on the window and waved his hands excitedly.
The Owner stared while having a debate in his head before finally bowing his head with a sigh. He exited the bar counter and slowly made his way to the front door. After a little hesitation, he unbolted the door and let the house-headed man inside.
“Salutations, Nephew!” the house shouted. “I hope I didn’t come at a bad time. I bring you the gift of chocolates for Friendship Day!”
He practically shoved the red heart-shaped box of sweets into the vampire’s hands.
“Hey, Uncle Theo,” said the coffee shop Owner. “Thanks for the chocolates, but you know I’m old enough to know it’s actually Cupid’s Day.”
“But that only applies to anyone who’s married or dating,” said Uncle Theo. “Aren’t you still single? Unless . . .”
He nodded towards the Head Magus.
In response, both the Head Magus and the Owner replied, “Absolutely not!”
They spoke with enough force to blow the house-headed man back.
“Anyway, Uncle Theo, what do you need?” asked the Owner. “I’m sure you didn’t just come here to pass along some Cupid’s Day cheer, putting aside that Cupid’s Day ended days ago.”
“To get straight to the point,” said Uncle Theo, “I’m homeless. Let me crash at your place.”
Looking flabbergasted, the Owner stared at him and said, “How can you be homeless when you’re the actual home?”
“I know, it’s a paradox,” said Uncle Theo. “But putting that aside, I’ve been kicked off the land and need a place to stay.”
“I’m not surprised you got evicted with that stunt you pulled, but can’t you just buy some new land, or stay at a hotel until you find a place?” the Owner asked. “Last I checked, you had a fortune that’s a hundred times bigger than my savings.”
“Not anymore,” said Uncle Theo. “The kingdom took all my money to pay for the new house that’s going to be built for the new lord of the land. I’m flat broke! So please let me stay here. And while we’re at it, I need money! But I’m not so shameless to ask my nephew for a handout, so let me work here too!”
The Owner looked at his uncle and sighed. It’s tough being the family’s caretaker, he thought to himself. But someone’s got to do it.
“Fine,” he said. “I’ll let you stay and work here, at least until you get back on your feet.”
Pleased, Uncle Theo exclaimed, “Excellent! I promise you will not be disappointed!”
And so, that was how the vampire’s coffee shop got a new employee, an old dude who was a house the neck up.
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